Time to do the time

It’s just crazy how fast reality changes, and I get scared because it happens in a blink, and before you stop and think about it, you’re just living a life completely different than 6 months ago.. 

But it always seems faster looking back then when you’re in it. 

The 2 months on the phone were so slow

But now, where did they go? 

And I felt like I said, “it’s only been 3 months” for 3 months... But that doesn’t make sense so

It must have felt longer when I was in it.

And I’ve found myself here and I get scared but it’s so good. And Noble told me today how great it is and how he knows it took courage to do because we knew people would talk, but he smiled so wide when I poured out my joy to him and he knew I was doing something worth it.

Heartbreak is such a terrifying possibility, but this is so worth it. But yeah, texting me that heart first really does some good reassurance. I adore you. 

People Like Me

Carlie and I were working behind the bar one day, Carlie wearing black skinny jeans and a band t-shirt. Her air max 90’s and her tattoos showing. The third daily tour came through- we do the usual. Cram cram cram, a list of 15 drinks, smile smile smile until they walk away, but this time one came back. I think it might have been embarrassing because sometimes we make fun of the people who come through after they leave. And we always make fun of the tour guide, Ben Ringle. “Now let’s make our way to our Mooyah Burger.” But I look up at the one who came back, his black greasy hair, pretty messy. He says, “excuse me” and I say “yeah what’s up my man?” And he says, “actually no, the girl” and I’m like hey now, but he’s like “I just wanted to ask... I’m looking at going here. Are there other people here who dress like you?” And she looks pretty confused, but then I notice his black skinny jeans and his Vans and his tattoos showing, and I look across the room and no offense but I see Josh Greene and Alexis Hazelmyre and Haven Stevens and Kade Davis and I get what he means. I again steal the answer and say, “honestly there’s more than you think, and sometimes they’re just not as outgoing so you’ll see them less. But if you hang out here, I think you’ll see.” And he thanked me and went to our Mooyah Burger, and Carlie kind of made fun of him, but I just felt bad. 

I think I know what you mean.. girls who have experienced it don’t want to be with guys who hold guitars in their hands because you can see the bleached wood where the salt water drips down the pick guard. So today I’m wearing my black skinny jeans and my cap’s on backwards and my black vans shirt goes out to those people like me, and yeah sometimes I wonder.. are there more here who dress like me. And just as I’m typing this, Josh Greene walks in wearing a button down and his expensive pants and I’ve seen him play guitar and maybe I’m wrong in assuming (I am) but I just don’t see the same expression and he uses a pick but sometimes my fingers bleed. 

I guess that’s the thing. There’s people who wear the clothes and are a little more open to showing it. My mom always said I wore my heart on my sleeve and I guess I wear it with my big t-shirts that my grandma hates as well, but every once in a while I buy something bright. I feel like that potential is in someone who wears vans and has a guitar in his hand and that’s when it will look the coolest. If Josh wore something bright it just might not show too much. Man that guitar is a tool and my Jordan’s are like lyrics. I wish more people would dress like him.. and then I wish they’d dress like me. 

.

Let’s make our own memories and have our own songs that mean something to us. Let’s build a lot of scrapbook material. New- 

:it’s somewhat painful to look at old pictures- that relationship wasn’t it

;this thing is new

Jeanne

Well I’ve been given the Grace of God

I think that you are very wise- you told me at Andy’s you wanted me to know everything so I could know what I was getting into if things progressed. So here it is- I know you took a lot out- but I’ve sought you out. Man, you went through hell. Man, I sometimes wish I could take all that away. Man, I went through hell and there’s not a second I wish any of that would go away- our hells brought us to our knees. Yeah it was in gross tears, but it gave us good posture. I look at you like you are my universe and I hope I make you feel that way but you’re not. The Lord is my universe. Frick, you think I’m not scared it will end the same way? You think there’s not a part of me that’s scared I’ve not changed? You think I’m confident you won’t go away? Man I’m bracing. Last time I said I knew how good I had it and it was still gone.. I don’t know how I’m relating that now. I hope you know I’m not asking you to be 100% confident of your entire future, and if I do please slap me. I hope you know I’m not asking you to be 100% confident I’m the one for the rest of your life- when I ask that, it will be down on one knee. It’s cool to see February (22), March (10), April (4), cause I know you post more when you hurt— and maybe you made a new blog to hide some of your hurt from me- that’s ok. To be honest, something I’ve dealt with is- if she can fall in love with someone else while we’re still together, is that a person I want to be with? I’m glad we broke up. I hope we’ve both learned and grown, and I think we have. Here you go- I think you’re beautiful inside and out. What I’ve seen from your character from February till now (I’m trying to make sure I’m seeing from a new perspective) is something I still haven’t seen in any living being, and I’m all about it. I send you hearts and I mean it and you send them back, and I hope I make you happy and I hope I am becoming more and more every day the man God is calling me to be, and frick I’m hoping more and more every day that’s the man God has for you. Let’s not be lazy lovers because of global pandemic- were on a mission and were on the same team. I’m so proud of you baby- I think you can do anything. 

Hey

I always waited for the day you’d look in the mirror and saw what I did. But you know how caring you are, and you know where you stand, and you know how you’ll defend the voiceless until the end. Man, how couldn’t you see it? Cause I always told you you were my other half and I don’t care if sometimes we feel useless and we take forever to get to where we need to be cause there’s growth in the process, but girl you are enough. 

You are enough.

You are a thousand times over so much more than enough. 

It’s you

It’s you

Damn

You’re enough

We just really like to make each other smile :)

.

I know that I don’t have you all figured out

I’m sure nobody ever really will

I think that’s really cool

A reflection in the form of sporadic artistic rambling to help me process my life

Times of reflection on the past and building timelines is weird for me. The present seems so long but the past looks so fast. 2019 was the first year of a new life for me and I was born with some weird baggage I may have been trying to run away from. I wanted to rid myself of who I was in the past and it’s times like with Elijah at the park that remind me.. I’m the same guy still. Just with new experiences. I have the same heart and same mind. That I’m still the same guy picked you up and ran with you for like 10 feet and then fell forward and dropped you on the floor and I’m still the same guy who parked my car in the darkest spot and I’m still the same guy who was happy to have a space separated from my parents that we could be alone. And I spent the 2019 trying to fill up space and memories and new people into my head to flush the past out. And I wouldn’t get on google blogs because I thought that was stupid and childish and the Lord had to put me through the fire again just to get me to write a damn emotion on a piece of paper. And I couldn’t see a life apart from Carlie- I didn’t think I had anywhere to go from there because I built 2019 on her, my year of reconstruction- for like 2 weeks and then I got out of town and had some space

You’ve taught me this before

This is a vague memory

But not too long ago 

I can’t believe I did it again 

I remember how You delivered me

I remember how there was more

I remember how You didn’t let me go

That while there was closing- it was opening a door

I remember how there was life ahead of me

Than all that I could see in that instant 

So I’ll take it day by day again 

...

You got me through 

That was quick. 

...

I don’t want this to end there-

I talk back and forth and I bet it’s confusing 

How I wanted to break up but I let it abuse me

How I was just as torn apart when she left me

But how two months after that I didn’t let it affect me

How I realized my faults and I thought I had fixed some

But how 2019 I thought I felt like I was on the run 

But also how it opened me up to a brand new person 

How I doubted all my faith but got so much closer to the Son 

Life’s more complicated than I let it seem

I try to talk about that way cause I feel like it’s freeing 

I think first gut reaction to 12/13 

Was only the lies and doubts Satan was speaking to me

But to recognize your faithfulness would be to share that I’m growing 

So I’m proud of the way I got back on my feet.

Im still messed up, torn apart, a work in progress, fighting against my flesh in a pattern of everyday no desire long days zoomed in no perspective in the moment shit age fighting against peer pressure and boredom but enjoying the process and re-reading my book I’m not always honest with where I am and what I’m like cause I’m dying to You but I write when I hate and I hate when I’m dead but I just want to be back on track and all that I can do when I sit here in my room is think about the things that are pertaining to me which aren’t my works in progress from 2019 but it’s my past failures from everything in between and I just can’t seem to find where I was before we started up again. And I can’t work. And I’m having trouble sleeping. And the Old Testament is hard to read. I’m a 21 year old man with passion and vision, good with people, confident in His plan, locked up not able to practice the passion, follow the vision, telling himself he shouldn’t be looking to the future anyways, unable to interact with people and trying really hard to not guess on God’s plan. God help me to just live in obedience. You’re my sky. 

I think we need some good old fashioned regular times
To put ourselves in practice