A reflection in the form of sporadic artistic rambling to help me process my life

Times of reflection on the past and building timelines is weird for me. The present seems so long but the past looks so fast. 2019 was the first year of a new life for me and I was born with some weird baggage I may have been trying to run away from. I wanted to rid myself of who I was in the past and it’s times like with Elijah at the park that remind me.. I’m the same guy still. Just with new experiences. I have the same heart and same mind. That I’m still the same guy picked you up and ran with you for like 10 feet and then fell forward and dropped you on the floor and I’m still the same guy who parked my car in the darkest spot and I’m still the same guy who was happy to have a space separated from my parents that we could be alone. And I spent the 2019 trying to fill up space and memories and new people into my head to flush the past out. And I wouldn’t get on google blogs because I thought that was stupid and childish and the Lord had to put me through the fire again just to get me to write a damn emotion on a piece of paper. And I couldn’t see a life apart from Carlie- I didn’t think I had anywhere to go from there because I built 2019 on her, my year of reconstruction- for like 2 weeks and then I got out of town and had some space

You’ve taught me this before

This is a vague memory

But not too long ago 

I can’t believe I did it again 

I remember how You delivered me

I remember how there was more

I remember how You didn’t let me go

That while there was closing- it was opening a door

I remember how there was life ahead of me

Than all that I could see in that instant 

So I’ll take it day by day again 

...

You got me through 

That was quick. 

...

I don’t want this to end there-

I talk back and forth and I bet it’s confusing 

How I wanted to break up but I let it abuse me

How I was just as torn apart when she left me

But how two months after that I didn’t let it affect me

How I realized my faults and I thought I had fixed some

But how 2019 I thought I felt like I was on the run 

But also how it opened me up to a brand new person 

How I doubted all my faith but got so much closer to the Son 

Life’s more complicated than I let it seem

I try to talk about that way cause I feel like it’s freeing 

I think first gut reaction to 12/13 

Was only the lies and doubts Satan was speaking to me

But to recognize your faithfulness would be to share that I’m growing 

So I’m proud of the way I got back on my feet.

Im still messed up, torn apart, a work in progress, fighting against my flesh in a pattern of everyday no desire long days zoomed in no perspective in the moment shit age fighting against peer pressure and boredom but enjoying the process and re-reading my book I’m not always honest with where I am and what I’m like cause I’m dying to You but I write when I hate and I hate when I’m dead but I just want to be back on track and all that I can do when I sit here in my room is think about the things that are pertaining to me which aren’t my works in progress from 2019 but it’s my past failures from everything in between and I just can’t seem to find where I was before we started up again. And I can’t work. And I’m having trouble sleeping. And the Old Testament is hard to read. I’m a 21 year old man with passion and vision, good with people, confident in His plan, locked up not able to practice the passion, follow the vision, telling himself he shouldn’t be looking to the future anyways, unable to interact with people and trying really hard to not guess on God’s plan. God help me to just live in obedience. You’re my sky.