2/12/19

My life needs to be an intentional work

Full of beneficial action made habit 

For the good of my future.

Beneficial action made habit for the glory of Jesus Christ.

To benefit my spiritual life

My academic and career life

My future wife

My future children

My physical health

And lastly my happiness.

Life is so hard.

.

And it’s a nice realization that the world doesn’t revolve around us 

But sometimes I miss that

You already know what it isss

I am so confident in a Fearless God who stays the same and repeats blessing over and over in a pattern of providing for the ones who chase after Him. 

These blessings will come and we will recognize them when we have them, sometimes, and then we will recognize them way after they’re gone, hopefully. 

If she is not the girl I’ll marry she’ll be a blessing, again, right now and also much later- that’s not changing. So at the very least, I love her and I will love her. I love her, and I will love her. I will be here, stand firm, and let nothing shake me from my God. And in my love for the Lord I will pursue wisdom and insight. And in the meantime I will love her so much. That’s what’s entrusted to me right now. I told her brother at Cane’s, and I told You. So her sister and your daughter: I will be there and sacrifice, die to myself, pour out, encourage, give, hold my tongue, be slow to anger, quick to listen, and love her. So I have no problem affirming her that my feelings match my intentions. 

To you now,

I love you and I will love you. I love Him more and will love Him more. You will love Him more and I love that, all the more. 

I think I know...

I think that you are scared to let yourself love again, and when I read I see it. It was a big choice to say when you decided you loved Luke

I think it was a bigger choice than it needed to be. I’m sorry if I’m deciding that for you and putting you in a hard spot but I hope you know it doesn’t hurt me.

I hope I’m not hurting you.

You loved Luke and I loved Carlie, those were real

Because those loves are gone doesn’t mean the memories are dead and doesn’t decrease what was there or say it wasn’t real- 

I think you’re afraid and need to make positively sure that it’s real before you admit that to me again and admit that to yourself again.

To me: because you’re afraid if something changes again I’ll call you a liar again. I won’t- I know you loved me then. 

To yourself: because you’re afraid that if something changes again you will have dug yourself into a pit that you don’t want to fall into again. It will be okay. The second heartbreak is easier because you’ve battled it before. 

I’m not going to promise I won’t breakup with you 

I’m not going to promise we will get married

I’m not going to promise that I will never love again if this ends

Not because I’m afraid, but because that’s how I can love you best

And I said I was going to love you

I will promise that if we don’t breakup I will continue to love you

I will promise that if we got married I will continue to love you 

Forever 

But I’m not getting ahead of myself this time. It’s time to be real and be obedient. 

Reality: there is a potential danger in falling into old sin and we need to be careful. 

Reality: my heart melts when I hear your voice

Command: abide in me and I will abide in you. If you abide in me and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish in my name and it will be given to you 

Obedience: abide in the Lord and draw nearer to Him every day of my life. In my feelings of love and my love for the Lord and my fulfillment of his calling for my life, pray that the Lord grants me the hand of the one I have eyes for. 

To the Beatles

Ok- it’s not because of the sound in particular

It’s more of a feeling of belonging..

It’s an entrance into a universe I’m not known

But that I get to witness and experience.

And I get to run the run through the decade 

Down Penny Lane, past the strawberry fields

And live in their world as they come to fame

And build their world. 

The album is a season, looking through a lense of the cover art, 

while Hard Day’s Night is young and sane, 

Magical Mystery Tour is yellow, loud, exciting, and thoughtful

Let it Be rings to the end of time with the orchestral and long, winding road.

It’s through these seasons I get to know 4 people

Who have covered my life with color and sound,

Descriptive of everything I see 

That’s why

Amor verdad

Yo pensaba que el amor verdad no era real 

Y entonces elegí amar 

No estaba equivocado... pero

Yo he realizado que hay sentimientos en amor

Sentimientos fuertes 

Yo sé que ninguna persona es perfecta

Y ninguna persona es perfecta para mi 

Pero yo soy en amor

También elegir amar, y yo sé que no va a ser fácil siempre

Pero, ahora tengo una referencia 

Y ahora soy en amor 

Oración

Yo pido por la sabiduría de Solomon
La perspectiva cierta del reino que cuida sobre su gente
Quiero cuidar sobre mis propiedades como si
Quiero cuidar sobre mis amigos como si
Quiero mostrar el camino de Christo a quienes que están cerca de mi

Oro por Emily y su corazón
Es demasiado hermoso
Es como si lo crearas con toda la pasión y el amor que tienes
No puedo explicarlo pero le amo como nada que he amado antes
Oro que le proteges
Oro que le agarras y le abrazas a ella
Oro que ella tiene confianza en ti
Oro que ella ama a ti

Oro que yo te ame mas de ella

Nothing I hold onto

I will praise You on the mountain 

I will praise You when the mountain’s in my way

—

God I pray as long as I live

My priorities are in check

That is- I’m not responding differently 

To a high one day and a low the next

No matter my circumstances you say

The goodness you are will remain 

Entonces voy a alabar y cantaré

You saved me from my sin 

My chains are on the floor

To recognize and not move forward

Might signal what’s in store-

A fool is one who sees his failure 

And on the next round cannot change

If I see the glory of my Savior

¿Porque seguiría en esta calle? 

Para la gloria de Jesús 

Y mi santificación 

Yo te doy todo a sus pies 

No hay nada que llevo 

Entonces, saca mis pecados

Usted los sabe 

No quiero alguna cosa pero tú 

Jesus I don’t want anything but You

I feel like a failure
For not holding on
Then you were mine
And now you are gone

This is the Verdict

I am not accustomed to these feelings that control me
I am not acquainted with this hatred, where's the old me?
I don't wanna talk about the ways I need to come clean
I just wanna unleash what's inside and try to speak free
Haven't read the truth from the word in a few days
Every time I see it on my desk I tend to stray away
Like if I open up to find the truth, I'll jump on a train
And if my destinations heaven then I'll be okay..

Fork

I know God is working through this
But couldn’t He have worked in a less painful way?

Have you thought about me once today,
And all the memories that we had?
Cause although it has been 46 days
The amount of times I’ve missed you
just in the last 4 hours probably equals
The last two weeks in total for you.

Have you moved on from me?
Because I’m trying to but it’s hard
The last 2 years I knew you would be my wife
I didn’t think, I knew.
Betrayal to the highest level
Is a stab to the heart
And though my blood is pouring down the stairs
I’m on a start.
A journey, with a path I see to the left
That’s not, unlike mine, covered
With thorns and spikes
Leeches and snakes
If I look over, I long to be there
But you made me take the fork

God I know the fork was the right way
Hopefully it ends after this horizon