.

I know that I don’t have you all figured out

I’m sure nobody ever really will

I think that’s really cool

A reflection in the form of sporadic artistic rambling to help me process my life

Times of reflection on the past and building timelines is weird for me. The present seems so long but the past looks so fast. 2019 was the first year of a new life for me and I was born with some weird baggage I may have been trying to run away from. I wanted to rid myself of who I was in the past and it’s times like with Elijah at the park that remind me.. I’m the same guy still. Just with new experiences. I have the same heart and same mind. That I’m still the same guy picked you up and ran with you for like 10 feet and then fell forward and dropped you on the floor and I’m still the same guy who parked my car in the darkest spot and I’m still the same guy who was happy to have a space separated from my parents that we could be alone. And I spent the 2019 trying to fill up space and memories and new people into my head to flush the past out. And I wouldn’t get on google blogs because I thought that was stupid and childish and the Lord had to put me through the fire again just to get me to write a damn emotion on a piece of paper. And I couldn’t see a life apart from Carlie- I didn’t think I had anywhere to go from there because I built 2019 on her, my year of reconstruction- for like 2 weeks and then I got out of town and had some space

You’ve taught me this before

This is a vague memory

But not too long ago 

I can’t believe I did it again 

I remember how You delivered me

I remember how there was more

I remember how You didn’t let me go

That while there was closing- it was opening a door

I remember how there was life ahead of me

Than all that I could see in that instant 

So I’ll take it day by day again 

...

You got me through 

That was quick. 

...

I don’t want this to end there-

I talk back and forth and I bet it’s confusing 

How I wanted to break up but I let it abuse me

How I was just as torn apart when she left me

But how two months after that I didn’t let it affect me

How I realized my faults and I thought I had fixed some

But how 2019 I thought I felt like I was on the run 

But also how it opened me up to a brand new person 

How I doubted all my faith but got so much closer to the Son 

Life’s more complicated than I let it seem

I try to talk about that way cause I feel like it’s freeing 

I think first gut reaction to 12/13 

Was only the lies and doubts Satan was speaking to me

But to recognize your faithfulness would be to share that I’m growing 

So I’m proud of the way I got back on my feet.

Im still messed up, torn apart, a work in progress, fighting against my flesh in a pattern of everyday no desire long days zoomed in no perspective in the moment shit age fighting against peer pressure and boredom but enjoying the process and re-reading my book I’m not always honest with where I am and what I’m like cause I’m dying to You but I write when I hate and I hate when I’m dead but I just want to be back on track and all that I can do when I sit here in my room is think about the things that are pertaining to me which aren’t my works in progress from 2019 but it’s my past failures from everything in between and I just can’t seem to find where I was before we started up again. And I can’t work. And I’m having trouble sleeping. And the Old Testament is hard to read. I’m a 21 year old man with passion and vision, good with people, confident in His plan, locked up not able to practice the passion, follow the vision, telling himself he shouldn’t be looking to the future anyways, unable to interact with people and trying really hard to not guess on God’s plan. God help me to just live in obedience. You’re my sky. 

I think we need some good old fashioned regular times
To put ourselves in practice

12/19/19

I won’t forget you and this day

Right after sunset

Cause the sun will rise and everything we know

Will start to fade away

But with you in these Kodak memories

I won’t let the light erase you

So I’ll hide these Kodak memories away

12/18/19

James

1:2-4 Pure joy

Mature and complete

1:12 stood the test

Crown of life

1:27 orphans and widows 

12/15/19 .2

I can’t get up, my legs are weak

My pillow has strapped me here to my bed

And when I’m up I cannot eat

This torture consumes me.

It looks like fire, the biggest you’ve seen

But it has a face that resembles her.

But it’s not her- it’s the one who said the line

A mutated version of the one I once loved.

I can’t take a shower for fear that I’ll drown

But I looked over the edge and I looked to the ground 

I looked at the cars driving 50 feet below

And along with the shower I also said no.

Today won’t be the day that I quit

It won’t.

But it also won’t be the day that I win.

That’s still so far away. 

One stop, one score until I’m back from the deficit.

How do I hold my defenses that long? 

12/15/19

Men. Don’t date a girl you work with.

You can work with a girl you’re married to but that’s still risky. When. When she dumps you and breaks your heart and throws it on the ground and runs over it with a truck and pees on it.. working together isn’t as fun. It’s a Cold War. You loved her a billion times more than she loved you, you did. You treated her well and gave her the world. You did. I know that and every other man knows that, because that’s what happens. Men Love Girls More Than Girls Care To Know. The Cold War ends with someone quitting. She’s going to take everything away and then make you quit your job? No, men, you will be el vencedor. You will stand your ground. Bitches quit, and you’re not a bitch. 

11/12/19

Una dependencia causando apatía

En mi vida y mi espiritualidad 

No puedo encontrar una fuga

No tiempo para leer mi Biblia 

No want, no desire

Las mismas palabras toda vez

In one eye and out the other

Silly of me to think it would end soon

When I was 14

When I was 16

When I was 18

When I was 20

La culpa se ha puesto bastante normal 

Es mi rutina todos días 

El Espíritu Santo luchando por su voz

Dentro de mi 

The worshipping is real in the moment

Exposed to my weaknesses 

But is the talk all just me trying to convince myself by convincing others?

A prayer for redemption 

What do I have to write about if it’s not about You?

Any feelings I could have are just reimplications of your truth 

How do the synths and snares support

The words I try to speak to You?

If they’re not masked in poetic meaning 

Somebody pray for me

3/1/19

I know the truth, I was just doubting because the devil’s attacking me. 

He says, 

I’m still standing here

No, I didn’t disappear

Now the lights are on

I was never gone

I let go of your hand

To help you understand 

I’m with you all along

I was never gone 

Colton Dixon

2/27/19

If you are knocking me down to make me look to You I can’t go further

I am angry

I know everything is justified if Jesus rose.

It justifies the Old Testament and God’s response to Job.

It justifies the words of Matthew 6.

It justifies God’s comfort to the Psalmist.

It justifies that Jesus truly endured everything on the cross for me.

I don’t want my eternity to lie on an emotionally based faith.

I can go out and see creation and watch people worship and hear about changes lives, but I need to be reconvinced of the Ressurection. 

I do believe in artificial purpose found in something we can’t see being comforting.

The fact that we can’t see it gives us every reason to justify it if we give it to faith. 

I believe in coincidences.

I do believe that things just happen and that our brains find fulfillment in connection.

I do believe that those don’t oppose Christianity, they can all be true. I need to be reconvinced of the Reasurection. It does seem to be the most reasonable first cause (Deism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam) and Jesus makes a convincing case (Christianity) however I need to be reconvinced of the most important part or I can’t go all in for it. “Give me a sign” won’t work. I believe in coincidences. I mean, if you’ll say “challenge accepted” try me. If you’re not real, I don’t think there’s a reason to live. But I won’t live as my reason for You is just to have a reason. If you’re real, support my life. Hold me together until I’m reconvinced.