Time to do the time

It’s just crazy how fast reality changes, and I get scared because it happens in a blink, and before you stop and think about it, you’re just living a life completely different than 6 months ago.. 

But it always seems faster looking back then when you’re in it. 

The 2 months on the phone were so slow

But now, where did they go? 

And I felt like I said, “it’s only been 3 months” for 3 months... But that doesn’t make sense so

It must have felt longer when I was in it.

And I’ve found myself here and I get scared but it’s so good. And Noble told me today how great it is and how he knows it took courage to do because we knew people would talk, but he smiled so wide when I poured out my joy to him and he knew I was doing something worth it.

Heartbreak is such a terrifying possibility, but this is so worth it. But yeah, texting me that heart first really does some good reassurance. I adore you. 

People Like Me

Carlie and I were working behind the bar one day, Carlie wearing black skinny jeans and a band t-shirt. Her air max 90’s and her tattoos showing. The third daily tour came through- we do the usual. Cram cram cram, a list of 15 drinks, smile smile smile until they walk away, but this time one came back. I think it might have been embarrassing because sometimes we make fun of the people who come through after they leave. And we always make fun of the tour guide, Ben Ringle. “Now let’s make our way to our Mooyah Burger.” But I look up at the one who came back, his black greasy hair, pretty messy. He says, “excuse me” and I say “yeah what’s up my man?” And he says, “actually no, the girl” and I’m like hey now, but he’s like “I just wanted to ask... I’m looking at going here. Are there other people here who dress like you?” And she looks pretty confused, but then I notice his black skinny jeans and his Vans and his tattoos showing, and I look across the room and no offense but I see Josh Greene and Alexis Hazelmyre and Haven Stevens and Kade Davis and I get what he means. I again steal the answer and say, “honestly there’s more than you think, and sometimes they’re just not as outgoing so you’ll see them less. But if you hang out here, I think you’ll see.” And he thanked me and went to our Mooyah Burger, and Carlie kind of made fun of him, but I just felt bad. 

I think I know what you mean.. girls who have experienced it don’t want to be with guys who hold guitars in their hands because you can see the bleached wood where the salt water drips down the pick guard. So today I’m wearing my black skinny jeans and my cap’s on backwards and my black vans shirt goes out to those people like me, and yeah sometimes I wonder.. are there more here who dress like me. And just as I’m typing this, Josh Greene walks in wearing a button down and his expensive pants and I’ve seen him play guitar and maybe I’m wrong in assuming (I am) but I just don’t see the same expression and he uses a pick but sometimes my fingers bleed. 

I guess that’s the thing. There’s people who wear the clothes and are a little more open to showing it. My mom always said I wore my heart on my sleeve and I guess I wear it with my big t-shirts that my grandma hates as well, but every once in a while I buy something bright. I feel like that potential is in someone who wears vans and has a guitar in his hand and that’s when it will look the coolest. If Josh wore something bright it just might not show too much. Man that guitar is a tool and my Jordan’s are like lyrics. I wish more people would dress like him.. and then I wish they’d dress like me. 

.

Let’s make our own memories and have our own songs that mean something to us. Let’s build a lot of scrapbook material. New- 

:it’s somewhat painful to look at old pictures- that relationship wasn’t it

;this thing is new

Jeanne

Well I’ve been given the Grace of God

I think that you are very wise- you told me at Andy’s you wanted me to know everything so I could know what I was getting into if things progressed. So here it is- I know you took a lot out- but I’ve sought you out. Man, you went through hell. Man, I sometimes wish I could take all that away. Man, I went through hell and there’s not a second I wish any of that would go away- our hells brought us to our knees. Yeah it was in gross tears, but it gave us good posture. I look at you like you are my universe and I hope I make you feel that way but you’re not. The Lord is my universe. Frick, you think I’m not scared it will end the same way? You think there’s not a part of me that’s scared I’ve not changed? You think I’m confident you won’t go away? Man I’m bracing. Last time I said I knew how good I had it and it was still gone.. I don’t know how I’m relating that now. I hope you know I’m not asking you to be 100% confident of your entire future, and if I do please slap me. I hope you know I’m not asking you to be 100% confident I’m the one for the rest of your life- when I ask that, it will be down on one knee. It’s cool to see February (22), March (10), April (4), cause I know you post more when you hurt— and maybe you made a new blog to hide some of your hurt from me- that’s ok. To be honest, something I’ve dealt with is- if she can fall in love with someone else while we’re still together, is that a person I want to be with? I’m glad we broke up. I hope we’ve both learned and grown, and I think we have. Here you go- I think you’re beautiful inside and out. What I’ve seen from your character from February till now (I’m trying to make sure I’m seeing from a new perspective) is something I still haven’t seen in any living being, and I’m all about it. I send you hearts and I mean it and you send them back, and I hope I make you happy and I hope I am becoming more and more every day the man God is calling me to be, and frick I’m hoping more and more every day that’s the man God has for you. Let’s not be lazy lovers because of global pandemic- were on a mission and were on the same team. I’m so proud of you baby- I think you can do anything. 

Hey

I always waited for the day you’d look in the mirror and saw what I did. But you know how caring you are, and you know where you stand, and you know how you’ll defend the voiceless until the end. Man, how couldn’t you see it? Cause I always told you you were my other half and I don’t care if sometimes we feel useless and we take forever to get to where we need to be cause there’s growth in the process, but girl you are enough. 

You are enough.

You are a thousand times over so much more than enough. 

It’s you

It’s you

Damn

You’re enough

We just really like to make each other smile :)

.

I know that I don’t have you all figured out

I’m sure nobody ever really will

I think that’s really cool

A reflection in the form of sporadic artistic rambling to help me process my life

Times of reflection on the past and building timelines is weird for me. The present seems so long but the past looks so fast. 2019 was the first year of a new life for me and I was born with some weird baggage I may have been trying to run away from. I wanted to rid myself of who I was in the past and it’s times like with Elijah at the park that remind me.. I’m the same guy still. Just with new experiences. I have the same heart and same mind. That I’m still the same guy picked you up and ran with you for like 10 feet and then fell forward and dropped you on the floor and I’m still the same guy who parked my car in the darkest spot and I’m still the same guy who was happy to have a space separated from my parents that we could be alone. And I spent the 2019 trying to fill up space and memories and new people into my head to flush the past out. And I wouldn’t get on google blogs because I thought that was stupid and childish and the Lord had to put me through the fire again just to get me to write a damn emotion on a piece of paper. And I couldn’t see a life apart from Carlie- I didn’t think I had anywhere to go from there because I built 2019 on her, my year of reconstruction- for like 2 weeks and then I got out of town and had some space

You’ve taught me this before

This is a vague memory

But not too long ago 

I can’t believe I did it again 

I remember how You delivered me

I remember how there was more

I remember how You didn’t let me go

That while there was closing- it was opening a door

I remember how there was life ahead of me

Than all that I could see in that instant 

So I’ll take it day by day again 

...

You got me through 

That was quick. 

...

I don’t want this to end there-

I talk back and forth and I bet it’s confusing 

How I wanted to break up but I let it abuse me

How I was just as torn apart when she left me

But how two months after that I didn’t let it affect me

How I realized my faults and I thought I had fixed some

But how 2019 I thought I felt like I was on the run 

But also how it opened me up to a brand new person 

How I doubted all my faith but got so much closer to the Son 

Life’s more complicated than I let it seem

I try to talk about that way cause I feel like it’s freeing 

I think first gut reaction to 12/13 

Was only the lies and doubts Satan was speaking to me

But to recognize your faithfulness would be to share that I’m growing 

So I’m proud of the way I got back on my feet.

Im still messed up, torn apart, a work in progress, fighting against my flesh in a pattern of everyday no desire long days zoomed in no perspective in the moment shit age fighting against peer pressure and boredom but enjoying the process and re-reading my book I’m not always honest with where I am and what I’m like cause I’m dying to You but I write when I hate and I hate when I’m dead but I just want to be back on track and all that I can do when I sit here in my room is think about the things that are pertaining to me which aren’t my works in progress from 2019 but it’s my past failures from everything in between and I just can’t seem to find where I was before we started up again. And I can’t work. And I’m having trouble sleeping. And the Old Testament is hard to read. I’m a 21 year old man with passion and vision, good with people, confident in His plan, locked up not able to practice the passion, follow the vision, telling himself he shouldn’t be looking to the future anyways, unable to interact with people and trying really hard to not guess on God’s plan. God help me to just live in obedience. You’re my sky. 

I think we need some good old fashioned regular times
To put ourselves in practice

12/19/19

I won’t forget you and this day

Right after sunset

Cause the sun will rise and everything we know

Will start to fade away

But with you in these Kodak memories

I won’t let the light erase you

So I’ll hide these Kodak memories away

12/18/19

James

1:2-4 Pure joy

Mature and complete

1:12 stood the test

Crown of life

1:27 orphans and widows 

12/15/19 .2

I can’t get up, my legs are weak

My pillow has strapped me here to my bed

And when I’m up I cannot eat

This torture consumes me.

It looks like fire, the biggest you’ve seen

But it has a face that resembles her.

But it’s not her- it’s the one who said the line

A mutated version of the one I once loved.

I can’t take a shower for fear that I’ll drown

But I looked over the edge and I looked to the ground 

I looked at the cars driving 50 feet below

And along with the shower I also said no.

Today won’t be the day that I quit

It won’t.

But it also won’t be the day that I win.

That’s still so far away. 

One stop, one score until I’m back from the deficit.

How do I hold my defenses that long? 

12/15/19

Men. Don’t date a girl you work with.

You can work with a girl you’re married to but that’s still risky. When. When she dumps you and breaks your heart and throws it on the ground and runs over it with a truck and pees on it.. working together isn’t as fun. It’s a Cold War. You loved her a billion times more than she loved you, you did. You treated her well and gave her the world. You did. I know that and every other man knows that, because that’s what happens. Men Love Girls More Than Girls Care To Know. The Cold War ends with someone quitting. She’s going to take everything away and then make you quit your job? No, men, you will be el vencedor. You will stand your ground. Bitches quit, and you’re not a bitch. 

11/12/19

Una dependencia causando apatía

En mi vida y mi espiritualidad 

No puedo encontrar una fuga

No tiempo para leer mi Biblia 

No want, no desire

Las mismas palabras toda vez

In one eye and out the other

Silly of me to think it would end soon

When I was 14

When I was 16

When I was 18

When I was 20

La culpa se ha puesto bastante normal 

Es mi rutina todos días 

El Espíritu Santo luchando por su voz

Dentro de mi 

The worshipping is real in the moment

Exposed to my weaknesses 

But is the talk all just me trying to convince myself by convincing others?

A prayer for redemption 

What do I have to write about if it’s not about You?

Any feelings I could have are just reimplications of your truth 

How do the synths and snares support

The words I try to speak to You?

If they’re not masked in poetic meaning 

Somebody pray for me

3/1/19

I know the truth, I was just doubting because the devil’s attacking me. 

He says, 

I’m still standing here

No, I didn’t disappear

Now the lights are on

I was never gone

I let go of your hand

To help you understand 

I’m with you all along

I was never gone 

Colton Dixon

2/27/19

If you are knocking me down to make me look to You I can’t go further

I am angry

I know everything is justified if Jesus rose.

It justifies the Old Testament and God’s response to Job.

It justifies the words of Matthew 6.

It justifies God’s comfort to the Psalmist.

It justifies that Jesus truly endured everything on the cross for me.

I don’t want my eternity to lie on an emotionally based faith.

I can go out and see creation and watch people worship and hear about changes lives, but I need to be reconvinced of the Ressurection. 

I do believe in artificial purpose found in something we can’t see being comforting.

The fact that we can’t see it gives us every reason to justify it if we give it to faith. 

I believe in coincidences.

I do believe that things just happen and that our brains find fulfillment in connection.

I do believe that those don’t oppose Christianity, they can all be true. I need to be reconvinced of the Reasurection. It does seem to be the most reasonable first cause (Deism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam) and Jesus makes a convincing case (Christianity) however I need to be reconvinced of the most important part or I can’t go all in for it. “Give me a sign” won’t work. I believe in coincidences. I mean, if you’ll say “challenge accepted” try me. If you’re not real, I don’t think there’s a reason to live. But I won’t live as my reason for You is just to have a reason. If you’re real, support my life. Hold me together until I’m reconvinced. 

2/12/19

My life needs to be an intentional work

Full of beneficial action made habit 

For the good of my future.

Beneficial action made habit for the glory of Jesus Christ.

To benefit my spiritual life

My academic and career life

My future wife

My future children

My physical health

And lastly my happiness.

Life is so hard.

.

And it’s a nice realization that the world doesn’t revolve around us 

But sometimes I miss that

You already know what it isss

I am so confident in a Fearless God who stays the same and repeats blessing over and over in a pattern of providing for the ones who chase after Him. 

These blessings will come and we will recognize them when we have them, sometimes, and then we will recognize them way after they’re gone, hopefully. 

If she is not the girl I’ll marry she’ll be a blessing, again, right now and also much later- that’s not changing. So at the very least, I love her and I will love her. I love her, and I will love her. I will be here, stand firm, and let nothing shake me from my God. And in my love for the Lord I will pursue wisdom and insight. And in the meantime I will love her so much. That’s what’s entrusted to me right now. I told her brother at Cane’s, and I told You. So her sister and your daughter: I will be there and sacrifice, die to myself, pour out, encourage, give, hold my tongue, be slow to anger, quick to listen, and love her. So I have no problem affirming her that my feelings match my intentions. 

To you now,

I love you and I will love you. I love Him more and will love Him more. You will love Him more and I love that, all the more. 

I think I know...

I think that you are scared to let yourself love again, and when I read I see it. It was a big choice to say when you decided you loved Luke

I think it was a bigger choice than it needed to be. I’m sorry if I’m deciding that for you and putting you in a hard spot but I hope you know it doesn’t hurt me.

I hope I’m not hurting you.

You loved Luke and I loved Carlie, those were real

Because those loves are gone doesn’t mean the memories are dead and doesn’t decrease what was there or say it wasn’t real- 

I think you’re afraid and need to make positively sure that it’s real before you admit that to me again and admit that to yourself again.

To me: because you’re afraid if something changes again I’ll call you a liar again. I won’t- I know you loved me then. 

To yourself: because you’re afraid that if something changes again you will have dug yourself into a pit that you don’t want to fall into again. It will be okay. The second heartbreak is easier because you’ve battled it before. 

I’m not going to promise I won’t breakup with you 

I’m not going to promise we will get married

I’m not going to promise that I will never love again if this ends

Not because I’m afraid, but because that’s how I can love you best

And I said I was going to love you

I will promise that if we don’t breakup I will continue to love you

I will promise that if we got married I will continue to love you 

Forever 

But I’m not getting ahead of myself this time. It’s time to be real and be obedient. 

Reality: there is a potential danger in falling into old sin and we need to be careful. 

Reality: my heart melts when I hear your voice

Command: abide in me and I will abide in you. If you abide in me and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish in my name and it will be given to you 

Obedience: abide in the Lord and draw nearer to Him every day of my life. In my feelings of love and my love for the Lord and my fulfillment of his calling for my life, pray that the Lord grants me the hand of the one I have eyes for. 

To the Beatles

Ok- it’s not because of the sound in particular

It’s more of a feeling of belonging..

It’s an entrance into a universe I’m not known

But that I get to witness and experience.

And I get to run the run through the decade 

Down Penny Lane, past the strawberry fields

And live in their world as they come to fame

And build their world. 

The album is a season, looking through a lense of the cover art, 

while Hard Day’s Night is young and sane, 

Magical Mystery Tour is yellow, loud, exciting, and thoughtful

Let it Be rings to the end of time with the orchestral and long, winding road.

It’s through these seasons I get to know 4 people

Who have covered my life with color and sound,

Descriptive of everything I see 

That’s why

Amor verdad

Yo pensaba que el amor verdad no era real 

Y entonces elegí amar 

No estaba equivocado... pero

Yo he realizado que hay sentimientos en amor

Sentimientos fuertes 

Yo sé que ninguna persona es perfecta

Y ninguna persona es perfecta para mi 

Pero yo soy en amor

También elegir amar, y yo sé que no va a ser fácil siempre

Pero, ahora tengo una referencia 

Y ahora soy en amor 

Oración

Yo pido por la sabiduría de Solomon
La perspectiva cierta del reino que cuida sobre su gente
Quiero cuidar sobre mis propiedades como si
Quiero cuidar sobre mis amigos como si
Quiero mostrar el camino de Christo a quienes que están cerca de mi

Oro por Emily y su corazón
Es demasiado hermoso
Es como si lo crearas con toda la pasión y el amor que tienes
No puedo explicarlo pero le amo como nada que he amado antes
Oro que le proteges
Oro que le agarras y le abrazas a ella
Oro que ella tiene confianza en ti
Oro que ella ama a ti

Oro que yo te ame mas de ella

Nothing I hold onto

I will praise You on the mountain 

I will praise You when the mountain’s in my way

—

God I pray as long as I live

My priorities are in check

That is- I’m not responding differently 

To a high one day and a low the next

No matter my circumstances you say

The goodness you are will remain 

Entonces voy a alabar y cantaré

You saved me from my sin 

My chains are on the floor

To recognize and not move forward

Might signal what’s in store-

A fool is one who sees his failure 

And on the next round cannot change

If I see the glory of my Savior

¿Porque seguiría en esta calle? 

Para la gloria de Jesús 

Y mi santificación 

Yo te doy todo a sus pies 

No hay nada que llevo 

Entonces, saca mis pecados

Usted los sabe 

No quiero alguna cosa pero tú 

Jesus I don’t want anything but You