12/19/19

I won’t forget you and this day

Right after sunset

Cause the sun will rise and everything we know

Will start to fade away

But with you in these Kodak memories

I won’t let the light erase you

So I’ll hide these Kodak memories away

12/18/19

James

1:2-4 Pure joy

Mature and complete

1:12 stood the test

Crown of life

1:27 orphans and widows 

12/15/19 .2

I can’t get up, my legs are weak

My pillow has strapped me here to my bed

And when I’m up I cannot eat

This torture consumes me.

It looks like fire, the biggest you’ve seen

But it has a face that resembles her.

But it’s not her- it’s the one who said the line

A mutated version of the one I once loved.

I can’t take a shower for fear that I’ll drown

But I looked over the edge and I looked to the ground 

I looked at the cars driving 50 feet below

And along with the shower I also said no.

Today won’t be the day that I quit

It won’t.

But it also won’t be the day that I win.

That’s still so far away. 

One stop, one score until I’m back from the deficit.

How do I hold my defenses that long? 

12/15/19

Men. Don’t date a girl you work with.

You can work with a girl you’re married to but that’s still risky. When. When she dumps you and breaks your heart and throws it on the ground and runs over it with a truck and pees on it.. working together isn’t as fun. It’s a Cold War. You loved her a billion times more than she loved you, you did. You treated her well and gave her the world. You did. I know that and every other man knows that, because that’s what happens. Men Love Girls More Than Girls Care To Know. The Cold War ends with someone quitting. She’s going to take everything away and then make you quit your job? No, men, you will be el vencedor. You will stand your ground. Bitches quit, and you’re not a bitch. 

11/12/19

Una dependencia causando apatía

En mi vida y mi espiritualidad 

No puedo encontrar una fuga

No tiempo para leer mi Biblia 

No want, no desire

Las mismas palabras toda vez

In one eye and out the other

Silly of me to think it would end soon

When I was 14

When I was 16

When I was 18

When I was 20

La culpa se ha puesto bastante normal 

Es mi rutina todos días 

El Espíritu Santo luchando por su voz

Dentro de mi 

The worshipping is real in the moment

Exposed to my weaknesses 

But is the talk all just me trying to convince myself by convincing others?

A prayer for redemption 

What do I have to write about if it’s not about You?

Any feelings I could have are just reimplications of your truth 

How do the synths and snares support

The words I try to speak to You?

If they’re not masked in poetic meaning 

Somebody pray for me

3/1/19

I know the truth, I was just doubting because the devil’s attacking me. 

He says, 

I’m still standing here

No, I didn’t disappear

Now the lights are on

I was never gone

I let go of your hand

To help you understand 

I’m with you all along

I was never gone 

Colton Dixon

2/27/19

If you are knocking me down to make me look to You I can’t go further

I am angry

I know everything is justified if Jesus rose.

It justifies the Old Testament and God’s response to Job.

It justifies the words of Matthew 6.

It justifies God’s comfort to the Psalmist.

It justifies that Jesus truly endured everything on the cross for me.

I don’t want my eternity to lie on an emotionally based faith.

I can go out and see creation and watch people worship and hear about changes lives, but I need to be reconvinced of the Ressurection. 

I do believe in artificial purpose found in something we can’t see being comforting.

The fact that we can’t see it gives us every reason to justify it if we give it to faith. 

I believe in coincidences.

I do believe that things just happen and that our brains find fulfillment in connection.

I do believe that those don’t oppose Christianity, they can all be true. I need to be reconvinced of the Reasurection. It does seem to be the most reasonable first cause (Deism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam) and Jesus makes a convincing case (Christianity) however I need to be reconvinced of the most important part or I can’t go all in for it. “Give me a sign” won’t work. I believe in coincidences. I mean, if you’ll say “challenge accepted” try me. If you’re not real, I don’t think there’s a reason to live. But I won’t live as my reason for You is just to have a reason. If you’re real, support my life. Hold me together until I’m reconvinced. 

2/12/19

My life needs to be an intentional work

Full of beneficial action made habit 

For the good of my future.

Beneficial action made habit for the glory of Jesus Christ.

To benefit my spiritual life

My academic and career life

My future wife

My future children

My physical health

And lastly my happiness.

Life is so hard.

.

And it’s a nice realization that the world doesn’t revolve around us 

But sometimes I miss that

You already know what it isss

I am so confident in a Fearless God who stays the same and repeats blessing over and over in a pattern of providing for the ones who chase after Him. 

These blessings will come and we will recognize them when we have them, sometimes, and then we will recognize them way after they’re gone, hopefully. 

If she is not the girl I’ll marry she’ll be a blessing, again, right now and also much later- that’s not changing. So at the very least, I love her and I will love her. I love her, and I will love her. I will be here, stand firm, and let nothing shake me from my God. And in my love for the Lord I will pursue wisdom and insight. And in the meantime I will love her so much. That’s what’s entrusted to me right now. I told her brother at Cane’s, and I told You. So her sister and your daughter: I will be there and sacrifice, die to myself, pour out, encourage, give, hold my tongue, be slow to anger, quick to listen, and love her. So I have no problem affirming her that my feelings match my intentions. 

To you now,

I love you and I will love you. I love Him more and will love Him more. You will love Him more and I love that, all the more. 

I think I know...

I think that you are scared to let yourself love again, and when I read I see it. It was a big choice to say when you decided you loved Luke

I think it was a bigger choice than it needed to be. I’m sorry if I’m deciding that for you and putting you in a hard spot but I hope you know it doesn’t hurt me.

I hope I’m not hurting you.

You loved Luke and I loved Carlie, those were real

Because those loves are gone doesn’t mean the memories are dead and doesn’t decrease what was there or say it wasn’t real- 

I think you’re afraid and need to make positively sure that it’s real before you admit that to me again and admit that to yourself again.

To me: because you’re afraid if something changes again I’ll call you a liar again. I won’t- I know you loved me then. 

To yourself: because you’re afraid that if something changes again you will have dug yourself into a pit that you don’t want to fall into again. It will be okay. The second heartbreak is easier because you’ve battled it before. 

I’m not going to promise I won’t breakup with you 

I’m not going to promise we will get married

I’m not going to promise that I will never love again if this ends

Not because I’m afraid, but because that’s how I can love you best

And I said I was going to love you

I will promise that if we don’t breakup I will continue to love you

I will promise that if we got married I will continue to love you 

Forever 

But I’m not getting ahead of myself this time. It’s time to be real and be obedient. 

Reality: there is a potential danger in falling into old sin and we need to be careful. 

Reality: my heart melts when I hear your voice

Command: abide in me and I will abide in you. If you abide in me and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish in my name and it will be given to you 

Obedience: abide in the Lord and draw nearer to Him every day of my life. In my feelings of love and my love for the Lord and my fulfillment of his calling for my life, pray that the Lord grants me the hand of the one I have eyes for.